I wish I would've known that this was my last chance to see you.
I wouldn't have been in such a rush.
I would've said I love you
one last time,

Hello blogspot. Do you remember me? For I've long forgotten you. But tonight I'm feeling morose. sad. lonely. stupid. And on this night I wish to chat. I'm no longer the child I once was. I hope that's okay. My tone will be decidedly different. More mature? No, I'm still the whiny bitch I've always been.
You see, when I turned 25 I still had hopes of marriage. family. happiness. But then I turned 30 and realized the cold truth. I'm unlovable. ugly. hopeless. It hurts to see it in print. It hurts to type those words even tho my mind has been whispering them for a year now. Even now I hate these tears that only prove my weakness.
But, the hour is late and I must away. I find comfort in the dark abyss that is my sleepless nights.

New Year's Blues

I'm a little hungover it would seem. Only, I shouldn't be. I didn't drink much and what the partying stopped 18 hours ago. So the nausea and headache must be due to exhaustion and despondency. I only feel this way late at night when no one can hear me. Otherwise I'm pretty good at the lies of life. It's been hard this holiday season. I had to fight my facial muscles into the necessary smiles. That quick splash of icy water doesn't always forestall the tears. But I did my best. or worst as it would seem. It's my fault for messing everything up.
But, I thought I would post my New Year's Resolutions. Maybe it will make me more accountable.

1. Do something for me once a month.
2. Say no to something I don't want to do once a month.
3. Read 10 new authors.
4. Stick to a budget (and save some money).
5. Get a job.
6. Turn in all my assignments.
7. And (of course) lost 15 pounds by the wedding. That would be 1 2/3 a month.

Insecurity

1: not confident or sure : uncertain
How does one become confident? When is one every sure? After almost 19 years of school why am I so afraid of sounding unintelligent? I refuse to speak when you are near because your ridicule haunts my dreams. My eyes focus on the ground so that no one will call on me. so that you can't see my interest.2: not adequately guarded or sustained : unsafe 
Oh, my heat is guarded; but I cannot speak to it's being sustained. You withhold your affection; I can tell by your eyes and sideway glasses. You notice me and I notice you, but we are each safe playing this childish game. As safe as I can be outside of my own room. not huddled under the covers.
3: not firmly fastened or fixed : shaky A breath of wind could knock me over as I stand on trembling knees. You casually brush by me, but the feeling lasts far into the day.
4: deficient in assurance : beset by fear and anxiety
Blessed assurance should be all mine. But how can the mind accept what the heart rejects? My anxious heart is like to flutter away and fears keep my butt firmly planted on the ground.

Invisible

Today my brother jokingly referred to me as invisible. Ironically, I feel like the entire world is scrutinizing me. Every person I enter into a conversation with inquires as to my future plans. I have none, but I lie and create a storyline. I live my life like a book of short stories. Each new story is one written exclusively for some friend or family member; each an exquisite work of fiction.
My birthday is almost upon me. I cry just thinking about it. I was recently reminded of my failures when someone remarked that when they were my age they were married and had already started their family. Thanks. My shortcomings are abysmally clear to me every time I look in the mirror.

I'm so empty...

...and I don't care. Which is a good thing b/c I don't turn to food or alcohol or drugs. I just mope. Tear up at the most random things. I've started working out to give myself the illusion of having a life. Altho, 30 laps on a track filled with old people doesn't seem like it would assist with anything.
I'm so dissatisfied with my church and everywhere I turn I feel like I'm getting called out on my beliefs. I feel that my pastor putting the emphasis he does on tithing is unbiblical. I feel that the people only care about our community when it is of most benefit to do so (when you make the front page of the local paper 3 weeks in a row). I am totally aghast at recent missionary acquistions. Actually, I'm repulsed by how they handle missions in general. I feel ignored and cast out by the leadership. I was upset with how Easter was handled and actually disagreed with my pastor on some of his interpretations. But I'm no Bible scholar.
I think the dissatisfaction actually lies in myself. It's a defense mechanism called projection. I hate who I have become so instead of acting out destructively I find things to be dissatisfied with. It always provides me with an excuse and a ready lie.
I don't know why I'm telling you this. Except a pastor asked about a recent comment I made regarding my dissatisfaction with the church. I certainly can't tell him (it would just be awkward) and I haven't really taken the time to put my feelings into words. So maybe this will help me get some clarity.

0 for 2

I have almost survived 2 months of this new year, but I know not how. Each morning is a struggle to get out of bed, get dressed, eat, and then wait for night so I can return to the safety of my blankets. Hope is fleeting and each time my hopes are dashed I sink deeper into myself. And when I think I can sink no further, another hit drives me down. How long must I go on?

How long will this take?

How much can I go through?

My heart, my soul aches

I don't know what to do

I bend, but don't break

Somehow I'll get through

Cause I have You

And if I had to crawl

Well You'd crawl too

I stumble and I fall

Carry me through

The wonder of it all

Is You see me through

O Lord, where are you?

Do not forget me here

I cry in silence

Can you not see my tears

When all have left me

And hope has disappeared

You'll find me here
(Superchick)