...and I don't care. Which is a good thing b/c I don't turn to food or alcohol or drugs. I just mope. Tear up at the most random things. I've started working out to give myself the illusion of having a life. Altho, 30 laps on a track filled with old people doesn't seem like it would assist with anything.
I'm so dissatisfied with my church and everywhere I turn I feel like I'm getting called out on my beliefs. I feel that my pastor putting the emphasis he does on tithing is unbiblical. I feel that the people only care about our community when it is of most benefit to do so (when you make the front page of the local paper 3 weeks in a row). I am totally aghast at recent missionary acquistions. Actually, I'm repulsed by how they handle missions in general. I feel ignored and cast out by the leadership. I was upset with how Easter was handled and actually disagreed with my pastor on some of his interpretations. But I'm no Bible scholar.
I think the dissatisfaction actually lies in myself. It's a defense mechanism called projection. I hate who I have become so instead of acting out destructively I find things to be dissatisfied with. It always provides me with an excuse and a ready lie.
I don't know why I'm telling you this. Except a pastor asked about a recent comment I made regarding my dissatisfaction with the church. I certainly can't tell him (it would just be awkward) and I haven't really taken the time to put my feelings into words. So maybe this will help me get some clarity.
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